Peaceful Life; My Worst Enemy

[Lyss Leviera]

It was quiet. It was serene. It was everything most people, with their busy lives, crave. Well not me, I hated silence. I hated anything serene. I hated anything that would give me a false hope that life would be okay for once. It never would be, never. And now I was in danger of actually believing that something good was out there, in the wide open world. But how could I trust the world, when everyone in it so far had just used me and left me broken? I couldn’t; not with the stupid barrier around my mind and heart, and said barrier was made of something stronger than diamond, it would not be easy to break. I certainly couldn’t do it, no matter how hard I tried.

I sighed and looked around the room, taking in the surroundings I hadn’t really noticed before. There was a large TV and some video game systems, a soda/snack machine thing, and a few other things, but all I could concentrate on was the dark night outside the window. I hated the dark, but I put up with that, because the dark was the only sure thing in my life now. I didn’t have any friends, I didn’t have anyone to call my family, all I had left was the dark and Tasca, who was lying curled up in my lap. He was the only one I could talk to, the only one who wouldn’t use what I said against me. Well Tasca and Cassa, but I had already seen him and he wasn’t in a good mood.

I stroked Tasca’s ears and he looked up at me, turning his head to lick my hand. He was so sweet, now why couldn’t everyone be like him, instead of judging each other and trying to hurt one another. The dark jeans I had on now were dusty and the white tank top hid the bandages I put over my ribcage. I didn’t bother putting a sweater on, it was too warm in here for that.

Now if only people weren’t evil and I had someone to do something with, I thought as I stared out the window.

[Michaël Leroy Kaïn]

I was stunned with surprise when I got to Catalpa. It was way bigger then I thought and everything looked so clean. For a moment I wondered who they did it, keeping everything so clean. If there was something I was really really bad in, then it was keeping something clean. My room is always a mess, it has always been like that and it probably will never change. Still I was pretty happy that I would have a room of my own, or maybe with a roommate. That room would probably become his personal place, kind of his hiding place.

Then out of the blue there was a woman. She came to me and said she was one of the teachers here at Catalpa. She was going to show me where everything was and which was my room. I was cool with that, I just wished that my mother could be here. But she couldn't afford it to come. So the tour around the school begun and we went everywhere, except for one building. The whisper stables, but she said I had to go there alone to find my horse. Then the tour ended at the student lounge. The teacher went away and left me there alone. Or at least, that's what I thought.

I turned around and saw someone sitting by the window. She seemed pretty distracted so I didn't want to disturb her. Still I was pretty curious cause she was the first student I met since my arrival. I walked to the couch at the other side of the room and started to order everything that had happened since I left home. It actually was the first time I was away from home. We never had money to pay for a vacation and I had no family to whom I could go. It has always been me and mom against the rest so no surprise that our relationship is pretty close. Still now I have to survive on my own. I have to make something out of this chance cause it's the last one I have. Maybe if I try hard enough I might even become happy here.
Everything I saw till now has been promising. Now just a few nice people and then that might actually work. Maybe...

My thoughts slipped further away every time and it actually made me feel good. For the first time I had the feeling like school might actually become fun. Like everything was going to be fine. Like dreams may come true...

[Lyss Leviera]

I was woken out of my thoughts when someone came into the room. But I didn’t look to see who it was, I didn’t really want to. But Tasca seemed curious, too curious for his own good. I knew I would never hurt him, but I could never be sure of other people, and I would never forgive myself if I let anyone hurt him. I shook my head at him as he tried to jump down to investigate this new person. I put my hand to his head and he watched me, waiting for me to do something. I just smiled at him and tapped his nose once, a clear command for him to stay. He settled back into my lap and curled up again, perfectly a peace. Like I can never be... not again... I felt a few tears leak down my face at that, but I wiped them away quickly. There was no use of crying, usually that’s what the people I saw wanted, and I would not give them the satisfaction of it.

I turned back to the dark window and froze. I held in a scream and nearly jumped away from the window. It looked like there was someone outside, watching me. It was a bit unnerving, until I realized it was just a reflection. It was merely the reflection of the person who was in the room with me now, and I felt extremely childish for thinking something else. The guy was definitely older than me, and he was a fair bit taller than I was too. But then again, that wasn’t much of an accomplishment.

Tasca broke me out of my thoughts, luckily for me, as he jumped off of my lap and landed on the floor. He fell slightly, from the long drop, but quickly scrambled to his paws. This might not be a good thing, I didn’t even know if pets were allowed at the school. I tried to scoop him up into my arms so I could run for it, but he was already running towards the new guy. Sometimes Tasca was just too curious for his own well being, this was one of those times. His tail was wagging as he practically sprinted over to meet the new person.

Tasca!

I said, trying to be quiet while trying to call my 4 month old puppy, who was not very well trained, to come back. Tasca just ignored me.

Well, let’s just hope this guy likes dogs...

[Michaël Leroy Kaïn]

I regain total control over my thought and I kind of returned to the real world. I noticed that the girl or better her dog had noticed me now and that I was being rude by not having said a word to her. I had no idea how much time had passed while i was thinking but suddenly her dog ran over to me. When the girl tried to call him back I smiled. My dog, Chili, was just as curious yet I had already brought him to my room a while ago.

I stayed at my place waiting for the dog to 'introduce' himself. The girl called him Tasca so that would probably be his name. I looked down to where the dog was standing and I smiled. He seemed like a funny dog, the kind that could make everyone feel good after a crappy day. I stroke him a few times over his head and then I walked over to the girl. Since I had already been so rude by ignoring her, I could at least try to make it up to her.

"Hi, I'm Michaël" I said still with a smile on my face. The dog had followed me back to the girl. "Sorry if I did something to stop your dog from listening... I just love them, dogs I mean." My tone was friendly and I was certainly not planning on changing that. Before I had almost fell asleep but now my energy was all back. I was looking forward to meeting someone her. Maybe a friend or just someone to say hi to occasionally... time would show. For now it was just exciting to see what kind of person she was and whether we could be in the same room at the same time.

[Lyss Leviera]

Of course, Tasca just had to ignore me. He just had to be the friendly little thing he was, not that he was really that little. He probably wouldn’t grow much more, even though he was only four months old; he just grew fast. The guy came over to me after petting Tasca, which surprised me. First, most people would just think Tasca was a pain. Second, nobody had tried talking to me yet, which I was fairly grateful for. But I couldn’t just walk away now, I wasn’t going to be mean, or rude, I just would have to keep the barrier up, which wasn’t a problem because it was up constantly. The guy introduced himself, and Tasca followed him back. I actually smiled at what he said next. Really, I couldn’t dislike someone who liked dogs, especially my dog.

I’m Lyss, and don’t worry. He may look almost full grown, but he’s just four months old. And really doesn’t like listening to orders.

I said the last part while picking Tasca up and playfully glaring at him. I imitated a growl and started ticking Tasca’s belly, one thing I knew he enjoyed, but the also annoyed him slightly. He wriggled in my arms but I wouldn’t let him go, so he started trying to bite my hand, which didn’t go to well for him. I found myself laughing at Tasca and shaking my head, as he started to struggle again. Finally I gave up and put him on the floor, where he started rolling on his back. I looked back up at Michaël, still smiling and shaking my head.

Although sometimes it feels like he’s even younger than that. Do you have a dog of your own?

I didn’t know why I was curious, maybe it was just because this guy seemed okay, and he did like Tasca. I looked back out the window and barely held back a shudder at what I saw. It was dark, but not the normal dark, it looked like one of those almost-seems-real horror movies. I looked away from the window to clear my thoughts again, still well aware of Michaël standing there and Tasca on the ground.

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I think I’d be pretty safe to assume you weren’t in high school still, but I may be wrong.

I laughed at the end. Hey, I had been wrong about a lot of things before. And it never hurt to check.

[Michaël Leroy Kaïn]

I heard her answer. Lyss, special name... But it fits with Tasca... and at least I didn't do anything that caused Tasca to stop listening so I wouldn't have to feel guilty about that. Not that I really felt guilty. I just didn't wanted to get off on the wrong foot. After all it's hard to predict a behaviour of someone you don't know very well.

She seemed like someone who has been trough a lot but I couldn't tell why I thought that. She was being friendly and her answers weren't sarcastic or avoiding. I just had that feeling and no reason. It made me curious but I also knew that asking questions wouldn't be a good idea. Even if she was willing to answer them, it might irritate her. So I just tried to keep my curiosity under control.

When she started playing with her dog, I saw new side of her. Before she had been friendly but now she looked playful, alive. It made me think about what people sometimes tell about the influence of animals on people and their behaviour. And about me, cause my friends -the few I had- always said that animals could make my face light up no matter how I was feeling before.

When she put the dog down, she looked back at me and smiled while shaking her head. Her remark about her dog was kind of true. Dogs, no matter how old, always keep having moments in which they look like a little puppy. Then they start trying to catch their tale like when they were young or they don't want to stop running or they just act crazy. And I actually like that about them. It makes that they have a certain magic. The magic to keep being young and at the same time the magic to make others feel young.

The question made me smile. It was logic that she asked that. I had said I loved dogs so why might I not have one. I thought about the dog that was sitting in the bench in my room. Chili had been said that he had to stay alone but I just wanted to get to know Catalpa a bit and go to the stables and that was a bit hard with a thing full of energy with me. Since I had bought Chili I couldn't remember how I had ever been able to live without a dog or any other pets. He just made my day better and I was never alone anymore.

Yes, I have a dog. His name is Chili. But he hasn't been with me for long yet. We just met a week ago.

I remembered the day I drove to Catalpa but stopped when I saw a sign with dogs for sale. I just had the feeling that I had to stop. A dog has always been my Christmas wish but I never got one. Now I started a new life, I could use a friend. I walked inside and everywhere were these little puppies only a few weeks, some a few months old. But there was one dog that caught my attention as a walked in the room. He was sitting in the back of the room, all by himself with big but oh so cute eyes. I was sold before I knew his name. The women told me that he was named Chili. As he was sitting there, that name didn't fit him. But now he does. Since we arrived here he had been full of energy and it was hard to keep up with him.

I smiled of the thought of that day. Then I realized that I had heard a question. I wasn't sure but I thought Lyss asked about my age. However I didn't understand why that was relevant, it wasn't a hard question. So I answered with a sparkle in my eyes and decided to test her.

You can guess three times and if you can't guess right, I'll tell you. But remember that guessing to old might insult me but after a few seconds I added Sorry, I was kind of forgotten we just met. I'm 20 and in the second year of college. So, not high school. You? I was terrible with ages but she was definitely younger then me so she might be a senior or something like that...

[Lyss Leviera]

So, I was talking to a college guy. A twenty year old college guy. Who had a dog. And wasn’t telling me to scram because I was younger than him. That was the part that wouldn’t register in my mind. He was nice, he was five years older than me, and he didn’t seem to hate me yet. Maybe my trying-to-look-fierce look wasn’t working. Or he was just really good at seeing through impossible things.

I think I’ll warn you about something first. I am younger than I seem. I’m 15, since maybe three months ago. So I am definitely still in high school.

I didn’t really want to know Michaël’s reaction to my age. He might react like every other guy I’ve know who found out I was a lot younger than I seemed; laugh and walk away, or do something to get away. I didn’t really care. I had Tasca, and that’s all I needed. I didn’t need friends; I didn’t need a guy to depend on. I was independent, and it was going to stay that way. I noticed the lights starting to dim, almost like the power would go out at any second, but I tried not to dwell on it. I didn’t need to worry, besides, why should I be afraid of one of the only constant things in my life? If I thought like that, I should like the dark. But I didn’t, not really. I always heard, or saw, stuff that wasn’t there. I was starting to think I really was crazy. And again with the thinking too much! I hate my mind!

So, what landed you in this school? There’s got to be hundreds of colleges out there, so what made you come here?

I asked, just to get my mind off of my many thoughts, feelings, and anything else that aimlessly wandered around my head. It didn’t work too well, but at least it was sort of quiet. The only real silence I got was when I was alone with Tasca, or in a dead sleep. But I hated sleep, too much wasted time and too many nightmares for my liking. Nightmares that always included the night my world was truly over.

Flashback

I was in my room, the room I had when I was nine, in my mother’s house. I was sitting up in bed, listening to my mother muttering to herself in the kitchen and digging around in a drawer for something. I heard something being pulled out and then a bunch of little metal things dropping on the floor. I got up and walked down the hallway slowly, moving in a daze, like I was about to pass out. I felt like it.

As I walked into the kitchen I saw my mother with something small in her hands, and putting some metal pieces into the thing in her hands. But I couldn’t see what the thing was, until she looked up to see me standing in the doorway, watching her. She glared at me, but I didn’t move. I was used to it anyways. She looked like she was mad, and sad, and I couldn’t explain it.

“What, pray tell, are you doing out of bed? Hmm? Did I not tell you that once you were in bed you were not to get out of it until morning unless you had to use the bathroom? So, why aren’t you in your safe, warm bed? Instead of the cold dangerous, heartless world?”

Her voice cut me like she was throwing knives at me, and I knew from experience. It wasn’t uncommon for her to go into these rages, and she was very rash when she was. But she never felt guilty later, except for that she was too weak to finish the job and she didn’t want to go to jail. I didn’t see the difference. She said her life was over all the time, so why would jail be any different.

“I was thirsty, and I heard you from my room. Are you ok, Mom?”

It was then that I noticed what she had in her hands; the gun. She had the gun out, and loaded. What was she going to do with it? But I already knew. I already knew exactly what she would do with it. I had seen it enough times.

“No, I am not ok. I haven’t been ok since I had you, you annoying little brat. I never will be again. So I won’t suffer any longer.”

She laughed harshly at this, looking at me like I was the devil and that she had to save herself from me.

“I won’t have to deal with you anymore. I’ll be free again. This life I have, it’s not worth living anymore. This is all your fault! If I never had you, I might have something to live for!”

She screamed at me as she raised the gun. At fist I thought she was gonna shoot me, but then she raised it to her head, and I knew. I knew what would happen.

“Mommy! No!”

I screamed as she pulled the trigger and collapsed on the floor in a limp pile. I did it, I made her kill herself. She was right. It was all my fault. And I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I couldn’t stop her. I wasn’t there in time. I wasn’t there when she needed me.

End Flashback

I always awoke screaming from those dreams, but I couldn’t stop them. I just wanted to forget. But I never could. That was stuck in my memory, and not even Tasca could erase those. Nothing could.